It's false that you have to be a sysadmin to run Linux, and the users here know it perfectly well. There hasn't been a laptop (or desktop for that matter) I owned in the past ~8 years that hasn't worked flawlessly out of the box on the latest Ubuntu/Linux Mint (granted, with the exception of dedicated GPU drivers). And I got everything you mentioned: slick UX, good drivers, auto updates, fast boot on SSD. Granted, no integration with Google services, and I consider that a feature. I also have this little extra:
Owning my computer, as opposed to paying for it to be controlled by Our Benevolent Overlords.
With fedora and gnome, I don't even dnf upgrade anymore. When I turn of the computer, I just check "install updates" which is unchecked by default. This is how updates should work.
Owning my computer, as opposed to paying for it to be controlled by Our Benevolent Overlords.