I have a co-worker who's socially retarded as well and I can say that the vast majority of his comments that tend to rub people the wrong way are just badly phrased versions of legitimate opinions (that he sometimes should just keep to himself because no one asked). He's a better reviewer than you seem to be, though; probably because he can take the time to type out better versions of things he'd normally just blurt out.
Edited to add:
It's a massive chore to have a teammate that causes stuff like this and I don't envy your teammates or lead (even worse if you're the lead, obviously).
> It's a massive chore to have a teammate that causes stuff like this and I don't envy your teammates or lead (even worse if you're the lead, obviously).
It gets tricky. I haven't had to deal with this friction for many years, but it's not because I entirely avoid the type of directness described in OP's last two examples. It's because I'm careful about who I'm direct with, and because I've ended up in environments that are increasingly devoid of the emotionally-fragile.
I start out with a baseline of assuming that people are as fragile and childish as what your comment alludes to. In many companies, I'm sure this is actually the case. But as I get to know a coworker, it's very often the case that they have the talent, maturity, and emotional stability to handle direct communication (in both directions) without spiraling into an episode.
In my early career, I joined a company with an awful hiring pipeline as the first employee. That was my first introduction to the idea that a lot of people react violently to being treated with respect if they think they don't deserve it. I quickly started treating them like children as you suggest, and the problem immediately vanished.
But as I've progressed in my career, the amount of time I spend around mediocrities has plummeted, and my prior that the person I'm communicating with is a mental adult has risen. I've found that high-productivity professional contexts weed out the emotionally-unstable in the same way they weed out (eg) the disorganized; the value of good-faith efficient communication without mental breakdowns is simply too high.
Considering this story is over a decade old, and I was in my late teens ... I'd hope that I've grown quite a bit even though you're using the present tense like you know me.
> because "I hadn't had my coffee yet har har" is a pretty thin excuse.
I'm pretty blunt/rude in the mornings, within half an hour of waking up, even these days. Back then, I did not know that about myself -- or rather, just how rude I came across.
Most people I interact with never see me like that, but it generally takes me 10-15 minutes to get some coffee going. Hence why I said "before coffee" since I assume nearly everyone is a little weird within the first 30 minutes of waking up, which also tends to be before a morning coffee.
People who wake up "ready to go" seem to be pretty rare. Granted, my number of people I've had the opportunity to be around when they wake up is only a few hundred people (basic training, etc).
I think you're receiving pushback in the comments because it comes off as though you think it's OK to be rude in the morning.
Additionally, if you made someone cry I think most of us draw comparisons to similar situations we've seen where, generally, the person who thinks they're just being blunt is actually very offensive and usually the most sensitive to critique.
I don’t think it’s “ok” per se, but it’s something I’ve had to live with, as well as my family. I can honestly say that it’s not something I do intentionally, it’s as though my “social filter” is booting up and I just say the absolute first thing that pops into my head, with the wrong inflection to top it off. I’ve said some pretty fucked up things in the first 30 seconds of waking up. I own them, apologize for them, try to explain the situation so we both can avoid it in the future, etc. I don’t think it’s ok, and I just try to avoid speaking at all. Like I said somewhere in this thread, I didn’t know how abnormal when this story happened. If it makes any difference, I don’t sleep like normal people. Apparently, when I sleep, I become totally unconscious and nothing will wake me. Alarm clocks don’t work, people don’t work, explosions don’t work, gunfire doesn’t work, etc. It was an issue in the military at first and I had to learn how to work with it. So, when I wake up, I’m coming from basically being “brain-dead” to full alert. It literally feels exactly the same as being knocked out and coming back in a fight. That might have something to do with it.
However, I think it’s worth pointing out, that at no point in the mentioned code review was I mean, or disrespectful. I was just direct vs. my usual indirect self. I never said anything like “this is stupid” or anything personal. I didn’t have any malicious intent nor did it come off that way, unless you had gotten a review by me before and knew how I usually code review:
“I think this would be better expressed as X for performance, wdyt?”
became:
“Express this as X for better performance”
I didn’t use my lack of being awake as an excuse at work. I apologized and just said I didn’t realize how wording things differently would affect my coworker and it truly did upset me as well. It probably wasn’t until I worked with someone who always reviewed like that did I realize how annoying that kind of wording actually was, but that wasn’t until years later. Anyway, it was a weird day, because I wasn’t intentional in my wording and I paid for it. It’s especially weird when you know exactly what happened and you want to explain it so that maybe the other person feels better about the situation but doing so would just come across as being an ass or just trying to make an excuse. It’s a terrible feeling when it’s a real issue in your own life, but other people don’t have a basis to relate. Further, it a terrible feeling to see someone suffering from it and all you can do is feel shame, and so sorry for the person you’ve said something bad too without even being aware of saying it, or unable to stop yourself from saying it.
So yeah, I don’t think it’s ok, but I’ve accepted it at this point in my life. Whatever bs comes out of my mouth, I accept responsibility for that bs.
> People who wake up "ready to go" seem to be pretty rare.
I know this is a complete tangent, but do you find this to be true specifically of habitual coffee drinkers? I have a pretty horrid history with a sleep disorder, and while I'm a little slow after waking up, I don't think my mood is especially worse. I wonder if it's simply because I don't have a stimulant addiction like most people do.
I have a co-worker who's socially retarded as well and I can say that the vast majority of his comments that tend to rub people the wrong way are just badly phrased versions of legitimate opinions (that he sometimes should just keep to himself because no one asked). He's a better reviewer than you seem to be, though; probably because he can take the time to type out better versions of things he'd normally just blurt out.
Edited to add:
It's a massive chore to have a teammate that causes stuff like this and I don't envy your teammates or lead (even worse if you're the lead, obviously).