> The statistics show that children of divorced parents have more problems than children from intact marriages.
Even if that were true, it does not necessitate that divorce in itself is the problem, but that divorce correlates with behaviors on the part of the parents that can be detrimental. Staying in a problematic relationship does not fix that.
If you misdiagnose the problem, your solution will not be effective.
The more significant statistic qua correlations is the impact of growing up with just one parent after divorce, and of instability of changing circumstances. I have seen no research papers that make a convincing case that divorce is significantly negative for kids.
> People I know whose parents got divorced said it was devastating to them.
My parents were divorced. Know what bothered me? The constant high tempered fighting. They were fucking uncivil assholes with each other, and remained so after the divorce. If anything divorce was a reprieve for myself and siblings.
So your anecdote means nothing to me. Those parents you refer to aren't everyone's parents.
> Is it acceptable to break vows?
The vows are already broken if one of the two parties aren't carrying their own weight. Notwithstanding, if it's a miserable situation that doesn't get better no matter what the parties try, then yes it's acceptable in my own view. But your values aren't my values.
>The more significant statistic qua correlations is the impact of growing up with just one parent after divorce, and of instability of changing circumstances
Doesn't divorce cause those two things? Either the kids live with just one parent, or are sent back and forth between them, which I think is a changing circumstance. And I think divorce itself is an instable changing circumstance. Also, if growing up with just one parent is detrimental, I would think spending less time with each parent would also be detrimental, just to a lesser degree (compared with 0 time), and I think divorce would cause that because the child can no longer spend time with both parents simultaneously.
This literature study[1] says
> The best scientific literature to date suggests that, with the exception of parents faced with unresolvable marital violence, children fare better when parents work at maintaining the marriage.
Although I'll admit I haven't had time to look through all its references to find the supporting data for that claim.
I'm very sorry about the experience you had growing up. I hope you're doing better now.
I agree that anecdotes can't show the whole picture. In this study[2]
>When children were asked if they wanted their parents were not divorced, most of them, 88.51 % answered they wished their parents were not divorced and the rest, 19.14 % agreed with their divorce.
It's a circumstance that changes once. That's not what instability is. Having a revolving door of partners, moving around a lot, and going long bouts without being present before re-entering a kids' life causes instability. If the child has the confidence that they're going to see their parents at regular intervals indefinitely and stay put, that's stable
> I would think spending less time with each parent would also be detrimental, just to a lesser degree (compared with 0 time),
I think even a single change (married->divorced) counts as a form of instability. Of course more changes are worse than 1 change.
>Instability is best described as the experience of abrupt, involuntary, and/or negative change in individual or family circumstances.
>Family Instability
>According to recent estimates, between birth and fourth grade, more than one-third of children see their parents marry, remarry, separate, or start or end a cohabiting union.
This paper[1] says spending more time with kids led to better outcomes for the kids. I think if there are 2 parents in the house the kid will be more likely to be spending time with at least one of them. Although there seem to be studies saying the opposite, or that there's no benefit. So I'm not sure. This paper[2] says the benefit only occurs when both parents spend time with the kid at the same time.
Even if that were true, it does not necessitate that divorce in itself is the problem, but that divorce correlates with behaviors on the part of the parents that can be detrimental. Staying in a problematic relationship does not fix that.
If you misdiagnose the problem, your solution will not be effective.
The more significant statistic qua correlations is the impact of growing up with just one parent after divorce, and of instability of changing circumstances. I have seen no research papers that make a convincing case that divorce is significantly negative for kids.
> People I know whose parents got divorced said it was devastating to them.
My parents were divorced. Know what bothered me? The constant high tempered fighting. They were fucking uncivil assholes with each other, and remained so after the divorce. If anything divorce was a reprieve for myself and siblings.
So your anecdote means nothing to me. Those parents you refer to aren't everyone's parents.
> Is it acceptable to break vows?
The vows are already broken if one of the two parties aren't carrying their own weight. Notwithstanding, if it's a miserable situation that doesn't get better no matter what the parties try, then yes it's acceptable in my own view. But your values aren't my values.